It's one of those days, where I just didn't wake up on the right side of the bed and it slowly evolved into transitioned to that always nagging question. HOW THE HELL DID I GET HERE?
I saw a movie last night, "Over 21" one of those 20's angst, transition from the college bubble to the real world type movies. That time in your life when you are being thrust from the known; often hated, but oddly comforting, period where life was but a series of steps you followed. But once you get to the final steps you realize there is no real certainty to any path you choose from then on, which can leave you either with a feeling of complete certainty or complete uncertainty.
I started out with a sense of complete certainty, but the longer I've been separated by time from those days the more I realize my certainty was probably nothing more than a delusional adherence to what I believed to be the "safe" path, and a stubborn inability to accept the idea that security wasn't the only objective I should of been seeking.
I've never enjoyed any real security. Which baffles me.. Yea, from the outside it may appear I have security, but it is not a feeling I've ever internalized to any significant degree that I've been able to sit back and say, "yep everything will be okie-dokie forever now."
The nagging voice always ask, "What if you did this rather than that?" or even more insidious, "Don't dare proceed without a firm plan in place. The last thing you need is to venture down a path that might not be safe." So I find myself constantly trying to play chess with life. I've become anal, or what is it called when you've got to have everything lined up just right. Trying to control my environment.
I can pretty much say with a very sincere level of confidence that every plan I've made has not come out the way I planned it. So why plan? Why not just do and see what occurs? Stumble forward as it is called. I just can't find it in myself to do that? That is why this blog continues to be just my ramblings about what I'd like to do with cartooning and not so much what I've done. I find myself always attempting to gather that last bit of data to provide that needed sense of security that doing something will be the right thing to do.
Help me have the confidence to just take that first step without worrying about the ten steps that follow.
|Punny tennis gag ideas|